


Dayterrors

by SlytherinPrincee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Harry Potter Has Issues, Harry Potter Needs a Hug, Harry Potter in Denial, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Internalized Homophobia, Madame Pomfrey puts Harry under suicide watch, Suicide Attempt, fuck the dursleys, i go hard, my first Angst fic, no surprise there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24142669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinPrincee/pseuds/SlytherinPrincee
Summary: Harry is in love with his (male) best friend, and years of living with the Dursleys has convinced him that it makes him disgusting. He deals with his internalized homophobia in the worst way possible.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ron Weasley
Comments: 2
Kudos: 163





	Dayterrors

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't kidding when I said I went hard on my first angst fic. I made myself cry writing this and I even gave myself some sad borderline-nightmares. I am not sorry. 
> 
> This fic could be triggering with the suicide attempt, so if that could trigger you then I suggest not reading this. It also includes some homophobic slurs. 
> 
> Also, it is not a happy fic until the VERY END. Like, 200-words-left end.

The halls were dark and damp, and the lights seemed more dim than usual. You could even see little spots of mould forming on the walls. Outside of Hogwarts it was even worse; the exterior almost looked black from how much it had rained, and a few panels on the roof had flown off from the extreme wind. It had been like that for a week. 

Up in Gryffindor Tower, one boy lay awake listening to the combination of the rain and the wind abusing the room’s windows. Normally he would have been able to fall asleep in weather like this, but that night was different. It wasn’t the rain keeping him up; it was his own thoughts.

_ Disgusting. Gross. Unnatural.  _ Those were the three words that kept ringing in his head. He knew it was just his brain trying to mess with him, but the voices were too loud to ignore. They were trying to brainwash him, forcing him into believing that his feelings were wrong. So far, it was working. 

Sighing, Harry stood up to try and go to sleep. However, as soon as he turned around, Harry saw Ron standing behind him. His best friend looked different than usual; his skin was much paler, almost sickly, and his eyes had lost their shine. Ron looked completely dead. 

“Ron, what are you doing up?” Harry asked. Ron ignored the question and started shouting. “IT’S YOUR FAULT!!” He yelled, making Harry cover his ears. “They’re teasing me, calling me a degenerate and all of the sort. And it’s all your fault! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!” Ron continued to just scream and shout abuses at Harry, with the green-eyed boy standing there helplessly. 

Then, suddenly, Harry was on the floor. His hands were holding his head and his knees were up to his chest. “Are you alright, mate?” A soft voice asked. Harry shakily looked up and saw his best friend. This time he looked more like always; his skin had more colour and his eyes reflected the moonlight shining through the windows. Harry furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. 

“Wha- b-but.. You were just… don’t you hate me?” He muttered. Ron raised an eyebrow and shook his head. “Why would I hate you? C’mon, you must’ve had a nightmare. You need to go back to bed, mate.” Ron then pulled Harry off the floor and towards the boy’s bed. Harry laid down and Ron pulled the covers over his body, then went to his own bed. 

\---------------------------------------------

As Harry got up that morning, he immediately got dressed and began going down to the Great Hall for breakfast. On his way, however, he ran into Draco Malfoy. The blonde was hardly recognisable. His blonde hair was shaggy and mangled, not in its usual slicked-back do. And boy, if Harry thought Ron looked sick the night before, Malfoy looked absolutely ghastly. He had bags under his eyes that indicated he hadn’t slept in days, and his eyes were dull and almost lifeless. And that’s only his face. His limbs were more lanky than Harry remembered, and his clothes were disastrous. Malfoy’s tie was hanging loosely around his neck, his buttons fastened hastily and many of them were askew. A few weren’t even buttoned. The thing that stuck out most to Harry, though, was the blood on his fists and clothing. 

“Ah, there’s the other one!” Malfoy called out. He began walking over to Harry. “It’s your turn. The Weasel already got what was comin’ to him for being a fag!” Malfoy shouted, and he increased the pace at which he moved towards Harry. Harry’s eyes widened and he closed his eyes tight, readying himself for Malfoy’s hand to greet his face harshly, and gripped the sides of his robes in his hands. 

Just before Malfoy went in to punch Harry, the chandelier above them completely shattered. Harry opened his eyes and looked up, then searched for the blonde haired boy. He was alone in the corridor. 

The sight of Harry in that moment would have been upsetting to anyone who saw him- eyes widened with fear, his face pale as a ghost, and his breathing short and shallow. After a few moments of Harry wondering just what happened, Malfoy turned the corner. Harry examined him; he looked just as he always did, with his blonde hair groomed to perfection and his robes neat and clear of anything incriminating. He looked the normal amount of pale and sickly, at least for Malfoy anyway, and his limbs weren’t as lanky as Harry saw them just minutes before. 

“Merlin, Potter, what on Earth have you done?” Malfoy questioned. Harry then looked around. The shattered glass fell around him, none landing directly on him or within a harmful distance to him. There was at least three feet between Harry and the nearest piece of glass. 

“I- I don’t know..” Harry answered truthfully. Malfoy scoffed and walked over the glass, towards Harry. Said boy’s eyes widened further and he raised his hands to shield his face. Malfoy stopped a foot or two away from Harry and crossed his arms. 

“You truly are horrid. It’s a wonder why they still allow you in the school, given that you do things such as this!” Malfoy then walked past Harry, leaving the messy-haired boy in the circle of glass. 

\---------------------------------------------------

Throughout the day, Harry continued to see people he knew confront him about being gay and in love with Ron. And every time it would get more and more gruesome. Though just as Harry was about to be harmed, they just stopped. Then mere moments later, Harry’s friend would appear and be completely normal. It was beginning to scare Harry. 

Just before bed, Harry had another one. It was Ron again- and he looked to be the worst of all Harry had seen that day. The sight was horrible. Ron had bruises on his neck, as if he had been hung by a rope, and this time it looked like Ron was actually a ghost. He was transparent, Harry being able to see the background of their dorm room as he looked right through his best friend. Ron almost looked pathetic; his face was tear stained, and his eyes were puffy. When the poor bloke spoke his voice was raspy and cracking, and he had to constantly pause in his words. 

“Look what you did to me.” He said. His voice was heartbreaking to Harry- quiet, raspy, crackly, and full of sadness and betrayal. “Why? Why would you do this?” Harry felt his eyes begin to water. Of all the things he’d seen that day, this one had been the only one to make him cry. “You were supposed to be my best friend. Harry, how could you? You could have kept it in. I didn’t need to know. WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!” 

Harry screamed. He screamed and cried, his tears clouding his vision. These daytime nightmares were haunting him. He just wanted it to stop, he didn’t want to hear his friends yelling at him and belittling him for feelings he couldn’t control. He needed it to stop. 

So, he decided to make it stop. Forever. He ripped one of the curtains from his bed and went to the center of the room, standing on a stool as he tied the curtain to the small chandelier. Then he tied the other end of the curtain around his neck.

And with a swift kick, he removed the stool. 

\--------------------------------------------------

Ron found him shortly after. Harry had failed to rid the world of himself; the curtain had slipped from the metal, ending his suffocation and therefore ending his attempt at death. So he laid on the floor, staring at the ceiling above him. He felt empty inside for the first time in his life. Once again, his meeting with Death had been cut short and Harry was forced to live another day. 

When the redhead found him, Harry had empty tears streaming down his face and he was bleeding. During his attempt to hang himself, Harry had unknowingly exploded all the windows in the room. There was glass everywhere on the floor, including on and under Harry. The curtain was loose around his neck, and the stool laid on its side a few feet away. Harry’s glasses were laid next to him, the frame broken and the lenses cracked. In that moment, it was Harry who looked pathetic. 

“Oh, Harry..” Ron whispered when he found his best friend. The redhead had no idea what to do in that situation; all he could do was stand there in shock as his best friend lay on the floor. Though after a few seconds of careful thought, Ron removed the curtain from Harry’s neck and picked up the smaller boy. He then left their dorm room and made his way to the infirmary. 

Hermione seemed to be the only one to notice the two boys, and quickly ran after Ron. “What happened?” She asked, and Ron just looked at Harry’s face with sadness. “I d’know. I just found him on the floor, curtain around his neck and glass all over the floor. I think.. I think he tried to kill himself.” Ron muttered the last sentence, as if he didn’t want to believe it. He knew Harry was going through some shit; after living with the Dursleys and being treated the way he had been, who wouldn’t have issues? Ron just never knew they were this bad.

“I should have paid more attention, I should have noticed that something was off, I… I’m his best friend, I should have been the first to notice what was going on with him.. It’s my fault.” Ron ranted. Hermione sighed and shook her head, placing a hand on Ron’s shoulder. 

“It isn’t your fault, Ron, there’s no way you could have known. None of us could have known. Don’t put all the blame on yourself.” She said. “You did the best you could have without knowing.”

\--------------------------------------------------------

Upon reaching the infirmary, Madame Pomfrey immediately demanded that Ron lay Harry on one of the beds. While checking all his vitals she asked what had happened. 

“I found him on the floor of our dorm. He.. attempted suicide, by the looks of it. The chandelier couldn’t hold him though.” Ron explained. It hurt him trying to explain it- it wasn’t easy telling someone that you just walked in on your best friend’s failed suicide attempt. 

Pomfrey nodded and gently forced Harry to drink a potion, most likely one to help with the pain. The poor boy was in horrible shape- cuts all over his body from the glass, and he probably had a small concussion from hitting his head on the floor after falling. He’d also have one hell of a sore throat from the curtain.

“Thank you for bringing him in, dear,” Madame Pomfrey said. “It couldn’t have been easy finding him like that. You’re both welcome to stay by his side, so long as you don’t disturb any of my patients.” She then left to help another student, a third year with a bat-bogey hex. 

Ron and Hermione both sat down in chairs next to Harry’s bed, sitting in silence and waiting for their friend to wake up. A million thoughts ran through Ron’s head; what if the curtain hadn’t slipped? What if he had still slipped, but the glass had killed him instead? What if Ron hadn’t gotten there in time, and Harry bled out? What would have happened if Ron was there to stop Harry from trying? He wanted so badly to go back and stop this from happening, but he knew it wouldn’t change Harry’s present state. Altering the past can’t fix what has already happened in the present. 

“I know you’re beating yourself up over this, Ronald. Stop it.. Please. No one could have known, not even you.” Hermione muttered to her friend, resting a hand on his shoulder. 

“But I  _ knew _ something was up with him, Hermione! He was acting weird all week. Not sleeping, acting jumpy and paranoid, he was even scared of Malfoy! I should have figured out  _ what _ was wrong before this happened!” 

At that moment, Harry woke up. He kept his eyes closed - the bright lights hurt - but from then on he heard everything the two said. After he realized it was them, of course. 

“Ron, there’s no way you could have figured it out without Harry telling you.”

“He shouldn’t have to tell me! I’m his best mate, Mione, I should- I should have realized it!”

“This isn’t your fault! Stop putting yourself-”   


“Then whose fault is it?! Malfoy didn’t do anything, we haven’t encountered Voldemort for almost a year, and nothing stressful has been happening in school!” Ron shouted, turning his voice back down when Pomfrey glared at him. “Harry’s been doing so well..”

_ What?? _ Harry thought.  _ Ron blames himself for this.. But it’s not his fault.. _

“Ron..” Harry whispered, his throat sore and scratchy. The small sound attracted the attention of the two at his sides and they jumped to help him with anything he needed.    
  
“Oh, Harry! I’m so glad you’re awake.” Ron near shouted, earning another glare from Madame Pomfrey. She waited to give them a minute before heading over, though. 

“Ron, it’s not.. I just..” Harry struggled to get out, and Hermione handed him a glass of water that was on the bedside table. He accepted it and took a large sip before continuing. “It was too much. The-the nightmares. They started happening while I was awake.” The boy explained, and Ron pulled him into a tight hug. 

“Harry, you should have told me! I could have helped you, I want to help you..” Harry let out a quiet laugh before bringing one arm up to return the hug. He noticed the bandages on his arms, and flashed back to the scene with fake Malfoy. 

“Even if you want to help, it’s just safer for you not to know. I don’t want to put you at risk.” Ron pulled back a bit and looked at Harry like he was crazy - Harry sure  _ felt  _ crazy - but only held him close again and pulled Hermione in too. 

“Harry James Potter, there is no universe in which I wouldn’t go to Hell and back for you. I sacrificed myself to a giant chessboard in first-year! You’re my best mate, Harry. There’s no gettin’ out of that.” Harry felt himself tearing up at the sentiment. Nobody had ever said anything like that to him; sure, people praised and admired him for defeating Voldemort again and again, but they were praising the  _ Golden Boy _ . Not  _ him _ . Harry didn’t feel golden, and he definitely didn’t feel like the fearless boy he was always made out to be in the media. 

“Ron’s right, Harry. We love you. Nothing you say or do could ever change that.” Hermione added, but both her and Ron pulled back when Madame Pomfrey made her way over to check on Harry again and administer new potions for his healing. 

\------------------------------------------

Harry was released three days later, just to make sure he was 100%, but Madame Pomfrey still wanted him on ‘suicide watch’ to make sure he didn’t try anything once away from supervision. For that reason, she had a house elf ordered to follow him everywhere and keep him from trying again. He also wasn’t allowed to handle sharp objects, which made Potions a pain. 

“Mister Potter cannot have that.” The house elf, named Mina, said, grabbing Harry’s arm and taking away the knife he was meant to use to cut ingredients. Harry groaned and ran a hand through his already messy hair. 

“I have to chop this, Mina. For the potion.” Mina shook her head and put the knife with another student. 

“Under strict orders from Madame Pomfrey, Mister Potter is not allowed to handle any sharp object of any kind. I do not disobey orders.” Harry let out a sigh and raised his hand. He knew professor Snape was likely to give him a hard time, but he couldn’t have another student cut the herbs for him. They were being made to brew this potion alone to test their individual skills. 

“Can I help you, Potter?” Snape asked, voice dripping with annoyance and not looking happy in the slightest. Harry hesitated before answering. Worst case scenario, he got detention and a few house points taken away. 

“I can’t use the knife, so I need my herbs chopped for me.” He stated. Snape raised an eyebrow and Harry knew he was being made to explain. Keeping his voice low, he went on. “Madame Pomfrey has me under.. suicide watch… and I’m not allowed to have sharp objects.” Snape let out a deep sigh and took the knife from where Mina put it, making quick work of the herbs and walking away. 

\-------------------------------------------------

Harry’s next encounter with his dayterrors happened the day before the watch was meant to be lifted. 

He was sat alone in the common-room, it being dinner and everyone else in the great hall. Of course, Mina was with him. She always was. 

A grief-stricken Hermione barged into the common-room. Her hair was more of a mane than it usually was, flying in all different directions and sticking to her face. She had tears streaming down her cheeks and her eyes were red and puffy from sobbing, and when she spoke her voice sounded strained. Her clothes were dirty and wet, and stained with blood. Harry could tell it wasn't hers. 

“It’s your fault!” She shouted, pointing her wand at Harry. “How could you do this to him?! He was  _ nice _ to you, and you just had to take that the wrong way!” Harry curled in on himself as he heard what she was saying. Mina asked if he was okay but he couldn't hear her. 

“Ron is your  _ friend! _ Nothing more! He’s not a damn fag like you! But you had to go and ruin that and now he’s hurt!  _ Because of you! _ ” She threw a spell at him and Harry yelled as he covered his face, knowing it wouldn’t do a thing against the bright green light coming his way. 

A moment later Harry realised he was still alive, and removed his arms. Mina was in front of him, looking worried, and her worry only grew as she saw his fear-struck face. Before either of them could say anything the entrance opened and Hermione stepped in. 

Upon seeing Harry in that state, she ran up to him and pulled him into what she hoped was a comforting embrace. He had told them about the horrible dayterrors, and she knew instantly that one had just occurred. 

“It’s not real, Harry.” She whispered. “You’re safe. Ron and I are safe. Do you need to see Pomfrey?” Harry shook his head, but knew that he would be called to the infirmary anyway. Mina was sure to tell Madame Pomfrey about this, and he would be brought in for a mental evaluation. 

That’s exactly what happened. 

\------------------------------------------------

When Harry was pulled from Charms by professor McGonagall, Harry knew that they knew. His mental evaluation consisted of an occlumency session with Snape peering into his mind and documenting his every feeling and thought. Whatever he found had at least earned him some pity-points with the grouchy man, as Snape was considerably less harsh towards him afterwards. 

“We analyzed what Snape found.” Pomfrey started. Harry just wanted it to be over with; for them to tell him he was insane, delusional and disgusting. To kick him out of Hogwarts and have him admitted to St. Mungo’s for the rest of his life. 

“You’re not crazy, Potter.” McGonagall added. Harry looked up in disbelief. After everything he’d been through the past few weeks, he thought for sure he was some kind of nutty. “Your magic is projecting your darkest thoughts into your sight. It’s not uncommon for young witches and wizards going through strenuous inner turmoil.” She continued. 

Madame Pomfrey nodded. “The easiest way to end it is to work through this and dispel the root of your problem.” Harry sighed and laid back on the bed in the small room they were in, covering his face with his hands.

“You wouldn’t want me to if you knew the cause.” He muttered. Pomfrey and McGonagall shared a knowing look before each putting comforting hands on his shoulders. 

“It’s okay to be gay, Harry.” Pomfrey muttered back. Harry instantly shot up and walked a few feet from the bed, crossing his arms. 

“No! It’s- it’s disgusting, I’m disgusting! Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon always say so! They say it’s wrong for boys to like boys, so I  _ can’t _ like Ron, the others will hate him and then they’ll hurt him. All because  _ I’m disgusting! _ So it’s not okay!” He shouted. McGonagall approached him slowly and pulled him into a hug. 

“No-one will hurt Ronald, dear.” She whispered. Pomfrey gave the two a moment alone, leaving them in the small back room. “I know your muggle relatives are closed-minded, but the wizarding world is more open. It’s okay here. There are many gay wizards and witches.” McGonagall then stepped back to look at the boy face-to-face. “You and Ron will both be safe if you choose to come out.” She too left the room afterwards, and Harry was left alone to think. 

\-------------------------------------------

Pomfrey had cleared him from suicide watch. Meaning, Harry could talk to Ron alone.  _ Alone _ alone, without the prying eyes of a house elf. So Harry kept Ron back after their last class, shooing Hermione to go ahead without them. Once they were alone in the hallway Harry turned to look at Ron.

“What’s up, mate?” The redhead asked, leaning against the stone wall of the castle. Harry took a deep breath and readied himself; McGonagall told him it was okay, it was normal. Ron would be safe. 

“I love you.” Harry said, and Ron let out a small chuckle. He continued before Ron could say anything. “Not as a friend. I mean, I do love you as a friend, but I mean- I love you as more than that.” Instead of receiving an answer, Harry felt chapped lips press against his. They seemed to be gone as quick as they came, though, as Ron pulled back and Harry had to stop himself from chasing the redhead’s mouth. 

“I love you as more than that too, Harry.” 

After that, Harry no longer had dayterrors. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this clusterfuck of emotions. I'm not too satisfied with the ending, but this fic was always meant to be more sad than happy so a short + sweet ending works fine. 
> 
> If I made you cry, please consider leaving a comment and/or kudos.


End file.
